“To what extent” essay comparison: structure and organisation…

Hello, time for another video. For this week, I am going to take a look at another student essay, a “To what extent” again. I will make some tutorials about Task 1 eventually, but I saw a post on IELTS MOOC group on Facebook, someone wanted some comments, so to help them out I made this video. As I say, some Task 1 videos coming over Xmas as I have plenty of time to make some more then.

So, as you will see, there some problems with grammar and vocab, but also with the structure, interpreting the question, and also with organizing the ideas. I attach the files here for your information and I hope this will help. Any comments or requests for tutorials, feel free to write to me at kevin@prepareielts.com.


Essay 1..

The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience such as juvenile delinquency arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Traditional family notion has been changing in the world generally IN these days. Women are more visible than last decades in the business life in order to ensure their financial background, moreover investing in their future welfare. Marriage or pregnancy status is not a significant issue to not being existed in business life for women anymore. Both genders are gradually being equal in working conditions, indeed there is no exemption to have child or to look after for it. Therefore, the children’s problems have been subsequently increasing day by day. I agree with the topic of the question, several reasons will be given in the rest of essay.

At the beginning, I would like to mention about the necessity of seeing a mother for a child at home. in the past mothers were mostly available to look after their children, while the father of the home was working all day. Enough care was given children and they were growing up under the control of a mother. Then the family construction was altered by the modern life style and children started to stay careless of a mother at home. Although, families are hiring a babysitter or sending the child to the best kinder garden to provide their security and care, children are getting more alone at home because they were forgotten to have emotional connection by the parents. It leads some problem for children like aggression, introversion, feeling lonely or searching for happiness out of home.

Secondly, it should be known by parents that only giving enough pocket money to children won’t resolve their misbehaviors towards family members. Despite the fact that childrens psychology is very different to adults, families are mostly following paths of adult perspective. While parents were being far from home all day, children have spent all the money outside accordingly lack of the care of a mother or father, in addition to that the tendency of socializing are increasing without recognition of parents. When children had a friend, it has been replacing with friends the missing of the interest from parent and this relationship would be effected behavior or attitude of children so easily and it could shape the future of children unknowingly from parents.

In conclusion, children are getting much more alone in the environment of the new life style. While families were feeling too much pressure and stress with business life, they had forgotten about their children so often nowadays. Lack of care to children dresses such huge problems and new generations are growing up with those problems. It seems like that it won’t be solved unless imposing of new laws by governments about dropping the working hours. Because life is getting more difficult and stressful per day and families are becoming more away from their children.


Essay 2…

It is argued that, as many married women are in employment and are unable to be at home with their children, this causes problems such as juvenile delinquency for some young people. I disagree with this view and will argue that, children should be at school during most of the day and therefore subject to school discipline, and secondly, that even if the mother is not available many families have grandparents to look after their offspring so some adult supervision is present.

Even if the mother of a household has to work during the day time, her children should be at school most of the working day. This means that the children would only be unsupervised for a few hours after the school day had finished until the mother returns home. For example, if delinquency is caused by inadequate supervision of a child, then surely the discipline of school life for 6-8 hours a day will be sufficient to stop any youngster from adopting bad behaviour.

Secondly, the mother is not the only source of guidance and authority in a family. The husband, depending on his job, should also be present at some point and would take care and responsibility for his children. Furthermore, in many households these days, it is increasingly common for grandparents to take over childcare duties so the adults of the family can earn a living for everyone. A recent survey by Bogazici university in 2015 showed that in 80% of households in Istanbul, grandparents were relied upon for their grandchildrens childcare.

In conclusion, despite the view that working mothers are to blame for childhood delinquency, I believe that schools, and the father and grandparents of the family, are sufficient models of discipline to make sure that children do not become delinquents even without the mothers presence.

 

Advertisements